Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Are we there yet?

Green/yellow, aka T.C.2
Is better than being green/blue
But the headaches it brings
Over all sorts of things
Makes it an equally unfortunate hue

10 Simple Steps to Rebuilding in Shakeytown

Step 1: Arrange for an earthquake or ten (thousand) to render your existing home uninhabitable.

Step 2: Wait a few months for a decision from your insurance company. Go through more major earthquakes, and wait a few more months for insurance company to deal with the sudden deluge of new claims.

Step 3: Ponder your future, your navel, your sanity. And then do it for a while longer until you finally get confirmation of demolition from insurance company.


Step 4:  Spend many evenings looking at house plans only to realise that they either
a) are too wide for your narrow little section
b) have too many living spaces/bedrooms
c) cost more than you can finance
d) all of the above

Step 5: Spend precious weekend hours looking at show homes from 'design & build' firms in sparsely populated subdivisions in order to discover that they all look the same - show homes & salespeople. Put names in a hat & draw one at random.

Step 6:  Take 3-4 months to sort out room sizes & layout until you are approximately 99% happy. Receive estimate for reinforced foundations. Go back to drawing board until you have a house plan with a smaller foundation that you can actually afford to build.

Step 7: Receive your membership to Fight Club. There are no forms to fill in, and no dispensations for 20 years of amicable behaviour. Membership is not only free but inevitable.

Step 8: Finalise kitchen design. If you have any kind of special needs (apparently large espresso machines aren't standard?!) this will take longer, and more phone calls/emails than you think.

Step 9: Select floor coverings, then interior & exterior colours. This will hurt your head. A lot. Seek professional help.

Step 10: Submit your plans to council, cross your fingers & click your shiny red heels together, while repeating 'there's no place like home... there's no place like home...'

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